Bread and Circuses
I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Welcome to the greatest show on Earth. Why is it the greatest, because it’s about the greatest country in the world. We have the greatest people, the greatest movies, the greatest leaders, the greatest sports and the greatest food. We also have the greatest health care and scientists. The best cars and/or trucks that run off the best gas in the world. There's also a whole lot more greatestness that you just have to see to believe.
This isn’t going to be a podcast but more of a glimpse into the average life of an average citizen in the greatest place on Earth because I want everyone out there to know just how great this country is.
“Who are you talking to?”
“My audience.”
“Well tell them I said to grab me a beer, light the grill, and get a seat for the greatest game in history.”
“Hey, you had a sign on your door that said turn off your brain and watch the show. I hope that means I can come in.”
“Normally but we didn’t really expect to see you. What brings you bye?”
“I was headed out and thought I’d see if anyone wanted to go.”
“Go where, it’s game day.”
“Outside, fresh air, skiing, snowshoeing, maybe fishing.”
“That sounds like work. Plus, we have way too much going on here, in life. The games about to start, the grills going, and in between all that I’m keeping up on current issues and politics. You know Mult - Tasking through life.”
“That’s not exactly what that means but I’m sure you already knew that.”
“Master put the TV on game mode and set another timer for 3 minutes. Then go back to the greatest show on Earth after the commercials that don’t apply to me are over, but PIP the news. Oh and send the pregame show to the little master so I can keep up on what they’re saying.”
“Did you hear what you just said?”
“I know it’s awesome, right.”
“From a certain perspective it might be. I’ll just see myself out then. Maybe I’ll stop back bye when I get back.”
“The doors always open, just read the sign.”
That was my weird neighbor. He’s from some other country or something I’ve never heard of but at least he speaks English. I have no idea why so many people who can’t speak our language keep trying to come to this country. Even the English the guy next door speaks isn’t something I can understand. It sounds like a dictionary. He doesn’t use any slang but he knows what I’m saying when I do. It’s kind of creepy. And who goes outside for life. Life is on all our devices not out there. Out there is what you go through to get in here somewhere else. That’s not life. How wrong he is really gets under my skin. Learn the customs of this country or leave.
“I hardly ever know what he’s talking about but most of the time it irritates me.”
“I know brother, I know. Not everybody is suited for a life this good. We’ll give him a little longer to adjust. Eventually he’ll start seeing things our way.”
“He’s been here for two years already, what’s the hold up?”
“That place he was from must have done some number on him to get him to think like that. Look at the food he eats.”
“I can’t pronounce half of that stuff. I thought most of it was for animals. I’m not sure it’s in English. What’s a poutine? Isn’t that the guy in charge of Russia?”
“Give him time, he’ll turn. Did you see how big his eyes got when he realized I could control all my devices with my voice? We’ve got him.”
“I don’t know, did you try that pizza he made? Some things shouldn’t be messed with. It’s like sacrilegious or something. If I’m using that word right.”
“Nailed it! Just to be nice, we’ll save him one of our special, double burgers, double cheese, double bacon, heart attacks on a bun if he comes back bye.”
“There ain't no way he could say no to that.”
“Exactly brother, we’ll invite him to share in our abundance and learn the ways of life in the greatest country in the world.”
“Life is good, and this is living.”
Just to show you how uneducated that guy is, he asked me one time what chapter of the Bible the constitution was in. I didn’t bother to explain it to him. The constitution is the Holy of Holies then there’s the Bible. He should know that if he wants to be part of this place. Then he asked me something about how many times I had read the constitution. I told him the truth: Not once. I’m from this country, so I don't have to read it. I was born knowing those words, or at least the meaning of them. Nobody can quote the constitution. The Holy of Holies was written before people spoke real English. All you have to know is what it means, not what it says. Plus nobody reads books or things in this country. Anything worth reading is made into movies. Movies are always better than the book, or at least that’s what people who read them say. Just thinking about conversations with him irritates me. I could do another show on how wrong he is but I like to stay positive and I’m sticking to the point. This country is the best place on Earth, ask anybody who lives here that speaks the national language.
“Master put the national news on little master and turn up the volume of the greatest show on Earth and tell me how long until the burgers are ready.”
“You have 7 minutes left on burgers.”
“It is so cool being this connected to everything. How did people function before they had this stuff?”
“That’s probably a question for the neighbor.”
“No thanks. He gives me a headache.”
“Then stop trying to think about things that don’t have answers, like how people used to live without modern conveniences.”
I don’t want to spoil the mood, the greatest game in history is about to start, but I should mention the godsends we have as leaders in this country. Well the ones on the right side are godsent the others are just crazy. I can’t believe most of them would actually go public with some of the nonsense they come up with. I know most of it isn’t real but still. They’ve got some creative script writers on their team.
Basically it works like this. They make a mess then our side steps in and cleans it up. Then they cry about it all over the news until something else happens or they come up with more nonsense to complain about. Not real things, though. Fake news. It’s everywhere. You really have to keep your blinders on when you watch the news. Pay attention to the parts that apply to us and forget the rest. I could do a separate podcast on how dumb most of it is but that might put me in the same boat as them. I try to keep my distance from crazy.
Thankfully in our blessed country if the wrong people get in office it only takes a little while before the right ones are back in. For the people and by the people. Unless they try to steal it. Cheaters never win, at least not for long. More on that later. The pregame show just came back on.
We have pills for everything. We even have pills to make other pills better. Our insurance pays for most of it too. What other place in the world is there where you don’t ever have to worry about your health because they can fix it. Take whatever they tell you too and you won’t have to worry.
If you want to be thinner, take this pill. Want huge muscles, take this pill. Want to feel different, take these pills. It’s amazing. Whoever and whatever you want to be, we have pills for it. Smarter, dumber, numb, over feeling, If you can think of it, there’s a pill for it.
That my friends is just one of the reasons this is truly the greatest show on Earth. I mean country. This is the greatest country on Earth. But since this is a show about this country, I guess I was right. It’s the greatest show on Earth. Always go with your first guess, even if it’s wrong.
Now that I think about it, it’s time for my between meal pill. I don’t even have to exercise since I started taking them either. Now I have time to make an awesome adventure journal about the most amazing place in the world. And you get to see it all.
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“You’ve been talking to your fans all morning and you haven't even mentioned The Game.”
“They know about The Game. Everyone knows about The Game.”
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Just in case there is someone out there who doesn’t know about The Game, it's the best sport in the world. Football. The best athletes from around the country are on the field in a battle for the Trophy and it’s happening today. If football wasn’t the greatest sport then why do the athletes make so much money? They’re job even has the word play in it. How cool is that? They’re job is to play . . .football. Name something else that even comes close to that, except for baseball, basketball, and other sports that were invented in the Greatest country on Earth. My weird neighbor isn’t exactly a sports fan, obviously, but he does watch soccer sometimes. He had the nerve to say it’s the most popular sport in the world but I’m pretty sure he’s making that up, like a lot of other things he believes. He also asked me why football is called football if they don’t use their feet. What kind of question is that? What does football have to do with feet? That makes no sense. It’s football enough said.
He really gives me a headache. All those questions. I don’t even think he wants answers to them. I’m not sure they have answers. Seriously, what does football have to do with feet? That’s so ridiculous it gives me a headache.
I’m afraid I have to take a beer break to forget about the headache my weird neighbor gives me, and I probably have a pill or two for it too.
“Have you seen my medicine bag?”
“You didn’t mention that dumb question he asked did you?”
“Yes.”
“When will you learn to just ignore those dumb questions he asks? We have people to figure things out for us. All we have to do is enjoy the bounty my brother. He’s making you think too much, you’re not a scientist or a doctor. Let the smart people think for you and just relax or you’ll miss the greatest game on Earth.”
“You’re right. I know it. I don’t know why I let him drag down those stupid rabbit holes where nothing makes any sense.”
“Not everybody can adjust to our way of life brother. He might not be able to make it here, especially if he keeps asking questions like that. Why do they call it football if they don’t use their feet? That’s crazy talk. It’s called football, enough said.”
“True, enough said. Back to things that really matter.”
“Like what should we eat first?”
“Yes, exactly like that, after I take my meds.”
“Bottoms up!”
For today's event we have an assortment of cuisine from all over the country and all are 100% made in this country. We have nachos, smoked pork, chips and salsa, beer, sausage, hotdogs and hamburgers, and whatever local delicacies anybody else brings. There will probably be some deep-fried things too. What would the greatest game on Earth be without deep frying things? It’s actually the only way I will eat most vegetables. Nothing makes some weird colored thing from a plant taste better than covering it in batter and letting the hot oil turn it into something brown and delicious. All the oil helps it go down and out a whole lot smoother than trying to diet that stuff raw. We’re not cave people here; we cook our food.
Except for the guy next door. He showed up with something called salad one time. I mean seriously, what are we supposed to do with that stuff? The only thing I could come up with was wait for him to leave and see if anything that lives outside might eat it. I guess something did because the next it was gone. If animals eat it probably means we shouldn’t.
There have been a couple of times he brought us some weird vegetables he cooked but not one of them had been fried. He called them roasted something or other. I did the same thing with them that I did with that salad thing. Left it outside till an animal disposed of it.
Where does he come up with those crazy ideas? In what part of the world do people actually eat that stuff, certainly not around here.I would have to start drinking oil to get used to a diet like that. Which might not be that bad of an idea. Maybe it works like oil in my truck.
“Can you drink oil?”
“Motor oil or frying oil?”
“Frying oil, I’m thinking it might work like motor oil does but in me.”
“That is probably one of the most thought out and awesome ideas I think you’ve ever had. I’ll take a shot or two with you.”
“It might even help those heart pills work easier since it can get to my heart easier with the extra lubrication. “
“I think you might be a genius.”
“Here’s to a long life and abundance in the greatest country on Earth.”
“I’ll drink to that.”
“I’ll drink two to that.”
“Life is good.”
“And this is living.”
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We also have the longest life spans.
And when we die, we get seats on the 50-yard line to watch the game in Heaven. God bless this country.
I'll get into that more later.
We don’t have free health care in this country like they do in those communist socialist places but we do have insurance. Our doctors are so good that nobody would be able to afford to go to them if they didn’t have insurance. Basically I pay 70 dollars a month for my insurance, my doctor bill is 700, I have to pay 50 and I get my medicine for almost free. The insurance pays the rest. Don’t ask me where they get the money, some mysteries aren’t solvable.
The guy next door has some weird conspiracy theory about it being money laundering and that the insurance companies don’t really pay the rest. It’s just written off or the difference is used to funnel dirty money into clean money.
I tried explaining to him that money laundering is what criminals do, not insurance companies. Then he started spouting off a bunch of numbers about how many people it would take to pay for one person's doctor bill and since people have different insurance companies the numbers don’t work out. Then something about them claiming to invest the money they get from people to make more money but even if they had a large amount to start with there’s no way anyone could possibly invest well enough to make the money it would take to pay for everybody much less make a profit. Why don’t they just make medical costs the same as what you would pay for insurance and do away with the health insurance companies.
It all went over my head and I just ignored the rest and turned on the news. At least the news is real.
He gives me a headache every time he comes by.
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“Did I just hear a segway into the news?”
“You did, but I really didn’t think you were paying attention.”
“I am completely aware of everything that is happening. On my phone, on the TV, around the world, and even right next to me.”
“I hope I can be like that when I grow up.”
“Easy brother, I’m not that much older than you but with the average human lifespan being what it is I’ll let it slide.”
“I meant no disrespect. I was serious.”
“No problemo.”
“Fancy English.”
“Yes, it is. Back to the NEWS.”
In this country we have a completely honest way of finding out what is going on where we live and in the rest of the world. We call it the NEWS.
Everybody watches the News so that everybody is informed on everything that is important. All the things that happened that day in the place you live is on the local News. It even has the weather for your area. If you don’t watch the weather, then you're crazy. How else are you going to know what to wear and what to get ready for. It might be sunny outside now but that can change in an instant and become a raging storm you don’t want to be out in. Days like that it’s better not to even get out of bed. I have a lot of days like that, but I’m still connected thanks to modern conveniences like phones and YouTube.
Then we have the national News. It keeps us all informed of everything around this wonderful country. Most of its all the good things you’d expect. Except for the people who are paid to complain about living in the greatest country in the world. They must be paid to say those things because there is absolutely no way any of it is true but since they are complaining it’s on the News. The News is always true, and those people really are complaining about things even if they aren’t right about what they’re complaining about. They give me a headache too.
Strangely though the weird guy next door never complains. About anything. That in itself seems weird to me. He doesn’t even mind rain. Who doesn’t complain about rainy days. I can’t wait till the brilliant scientists we have in this country figure out how to make everyday sunny. We have air conditioning inside so why can't we have it outside too. Wouldn't that fix the global warming thing those people are complaining about? Who wants cold weather either. See what I mean about complaining about things that aren’t real. The world is getting hotter, GREAT, endless summer. Problem solved. How hard is that? I think I might be the person who fixes everything in the world.
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“You just might be.”
“You heard me?”
“I did and it was brilliant. I’m glad everyone else is lucky enough to hear it too. You just might have fixed things.”
“Thank you. I try.”
As much as I really don’t want to, I have to mention the world News. The world News is a little bit NEGATIVE. We are lucky enough to live in the greatest country in the world and we are truly blessed in every possible way. The rest of the world.The rest of the world is chaotic, uncivilized, and unsafe, that’s why we have to guard our borders and not let anybody in. It’s crazy. Everybody knows we have the greatest country in the world. Everybody else should try and be like us but they don’t. We have to send people into all kinds of strange places to help fix them and to make them like us. To do this all over the world we have to have a gigantic military. Not everybody embraces our way of life so we have to force them to be civilized like us. If the rest of the world would just accept it we could save a lot of money by cutting back on the military and I hope that day is coming. The day where everybody just accepts our ways as the right way and cooperates. Peace on Earth by being like us. I think I just solved another problem of the world.
"Since you knew it first, I guess that makes you a genius too.”
“I can’t disagree with that logic.”
“I don’t know why everybody makes things so complicated and hard. I’m just thinking out loud and I can solve almost anything.”
“They’re not geniuses like you.”
“I can’t disagree with that logic.”
“It’s also why they need you.”
“Well, that’s one of the reasons. But only one of them. There’s a lot of them. I’m what I like to call . . .amazing. Just like the greatest country in the world is.”
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I really wish I could sit here and talk to everyone all day everyday, I do have life to live and the greatest game on Earth is starting. I’ll be back on momentarily.
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